There are several topics that are commonly circling the conversation involving sex: birth control, safety, consent, condoms, you name it. Sex ends up getting whittled down to a mechanical flowchart of actions with the primary goal of achieving an orgasm, having a baby, or even gaining influence and power. However, there is something important missing from this global discussion. For a lot of women, the missing piece is pleasure. Sexual pleasure is often viewed as the second fiddle or a happy accident along the path to orgasm. According to the 2015 SKYN Condoms Millennial Sex Survey, 70% of millennials are having sex at least once a week. Frankly, that is a whole lot of sex to be having where pleasure does not have center stage.
We were reliably taught the skills to protect ourselves from STDs and unplanned pregnancies with tangible actions and products. However, the concept and practice of pleasure is hard to quantify or encapsulate. Here’s the thing: In order to increase the pleasure you experience during sex, you not only need to expand your definition of sex but also how you view it. We need take pleasure just as seriously as we do our birth control or condom use. Does any of this sound like familiar internal dialog during sex, “Am I taking too long?”, “I’m not going to cum, should I fake it?” or “When is she/he going finish?”. Distracting, right?! How can you enjoy the experience or seek to explore different avenues of pleasure if you are constantly feeling the pressure to perform, look a certain way, or finish within a respectable time frame? Nah, boo. That just won’t do. Give yourself permission to explore what your pleasure feels, sounds, and tastes like. Be patient with yourself while you begin to learn how to both enjoy the ride but also how to command your pleasure. For a lot of us, receiving and relishing in our sexual pleasure isn’t a natural behavior; thus it requires some consistent and dedicated practice.
Here are few tips to get started on your pleasure trip with a little more ease:
• Remove the time limit. Often times we cannot enjoy the experience because we feel pressure to “finish”. Squash that nonsense by establishing a “no limit rule” during your next roll in the hay. If you feel free to just enjoy yourself without worrying about your partner’s experiencing some level of fatigue, you can really let loose.
• Get comfy making it all about you. Reciprocity is important; but one of the key components to unharness your pleasure is being able to make it a priority. Just as your partner should make their own pleasure a priority. There is room for both!
• Stop thinking. Seriously. Just stop. The more you think about having an orgasm or paying that bill or sucking in your tummy; the less you are tuned into all the feels your body is experiencing and the pleasure is lost.